“Hello, good morning, how’m I doin’? Ain’t I great? Anybody who’s not me, SAD!!!
“This is your pilot, Captain Donnie, welcoming you on board Schtrump Airways flight 666 — got it? 666, sign of divinity, just so you know — from here to anywhere I want to go.
“And speaking of pilots, did you know that I am the greatest pilot in history? I have flown more air miles than any other pilot, I was the first to break the sound barrier. I drew a bigger crowd than Charles Lindbergh when I made the first solo fight across the Atlantic. I was the first man to walk on the moon and — wait for this one — I was the pilot who glided that plane into the Hudson River. Some people said it was a guy named Sullenberger but that was FAKE NEWS. He was the guy who flew a plane into the Twin Towers while Islamic terrorists were cheering in Jersey. Believe me. Many people are saying this.
“So before we taxi out to the runway — and speaking of runways, did you know that my Miss Universe contest in Moscow in 2013 was the most beautiful beauty contest ever? Those gals were so hot, such incredible legs, I was on them like a bitch. And they loved it, they really did. When you’re a star you can…They just gave me lots of Tic-Tacs and said, ‘Donnie, put your mighty hands, bigger than Paul Bunyan’s, right up my…’
“But let me welcome our passengers in Oligarch Class. We are so, so, so delighted to have you with us today. Let me tell you for starters that the stewardesses — that’s the Russian gals in the black corsets and fishnet tights — will do anything — and I mean anything — to make your flight a memorable one. You paid a lot for this flight, really a lot a lot, but remember that by the time we land, all those roubles and hvrchniks and zlotykroners will have been converted into good old Uncle Sams, on deposit for you in our Schtrump Airlines Billion Dollar/Mile Gold Club. So sit back, grope a girl and enjoy as many bottles as you want of our complimentary Schtrump Schampagne, from the biggest winery on earth, in the beautiful rolling hills of Virginia.
(Intercom crackles, sounds of an engine room can be heard and a voice breaks in urgently: “Cap’n, Cap’n…” but is immediately cut off.)
“For our Business Council passengers, let me tell you we’ve decided to discontinue this class of service, right now. Some of you were taking the cutlery home with you after the meals, others had their mobile phone and laptop chargers plugged in for THE ENTIRE FLIGHT!!!! And then there were those of you who said you’d seen the cabin crew giving me the Unicef donation envelopes at the end of the flight, and I put them in my flight case. FAKE NEWS, FAKE NEWS. So sad!!! You get no movies and your meal will consist of one scoop of ice cream.
“Now for our friends in Deplorable Class, welcome aboard, but please don’t sit in the seats. Those are wonderful, beautiful seats, covered with genuine real cow leather, stitched together by seamstresses in the Philippines, working hard many, many hours a day. They are the finest American airplane seats money can buy so please do not ruin them by getting your germ-infested hands on the leather or roughing up the smooth surfaces with your cheap clothes. The brown-shirted security guards patrolling your cabin will instruct you in the proper way of lying atop one another in the aisles. At mealtime they will hitch up a taco bowl to each person’s face, so you won’t even need your hands!
“We’ve reached the end of our tether, I mean taxiway, and we are now prepared for take off. Stewardesses, assume your lap positions. Security guards, jaws locked and loaded. Full throttle…Yeeowwww!!!!”
(Intercom interrupts again: “Cut the cable, drop the cable!” but ends in crackle as the airplane, dragging a tanker truck which had been refueling it when it left the terminal, hits a brick wall at the end of the runway. Applause.)
— Michael Roddy