Cast: David Wotan, Brunnhilde May, Boris Fasolt, Michael Fafner and Adele
The LIttle England Sinfonietta conducted by Alberich Farage
David Wotan, the chief of the gods and the Tory party, was getting grief for spending too much time away from home, wandering the world as far afield as Brussels and taking his holiday in Lanzarote. There also was much grumbling about foreigners called Nibelung who were showing up in parts of Godland, like Clacton-on-Sea and Sunderland. They were great at mending pots and shoes and serving pints but they couldn’t speak proper Godlish.
To paper over the problems and make everyone happy, Wotan decided to build Valhalla, an even bigger pile than the Millennium Dome that one of his predecessors had built for a huge hoopla on a bend of the River Rhine, sorry, Thames. If that didn’t please everyone, Wotan said on his Facebook page, where it was easier to write than on his spear, he’d sever all ties with Brussels and send the Nibelung packing.
The giant consulting firm of Boris Fasolt and Michael Fafner, ostensibly allies of Wotan’s but in Godland it was never a good idea to turn your back on anyone, was tapped to do the job. And although it was a bit old school, they were offered the Goddess Adele by way of payment.
Hold on, wait a minute. What was David Wotan smoking? Adele was the only one who knew how to make the yogurt and kale smoothies that kept Wotan and the other gods and goddesses young and healthy. Plus she could out-sing any Valkyrie on “Godland’s Got Talent”. So the cracks were showing even as F&F went ahead and built Valhalla, which due to property prices was located on the site of a former power plant rather than in tony Mayfair, but still had a great view of the River…Thames.
When it came time to pay, Wotan was tempted to do a runner but instead, with the help of his firebrand mate Loge Carney, he raided all the gold from the coffers of the Bank of Godland. He offered that, plus the London Eye Ferris wheel (there has to be a ring) to F&F. That was fine with them since they’d been unable to figure out how to share one singing goddess between two massive egos, but when it came to divvying up the gold and the Ferris wheel they still had a falling out. Michael Fafner ran the bicycling Boris off the road with his Bentley, and took all the loot off to his mancave in the Pennines.
Composer Richard Wagner was loquacious and his version of this epic runs more than 16 hours, but not this one. There’s only one more significant character and that’s Brunnhilde May, who is David Wotan’s daughter by Erda, the earth mother. Which raises the question who was Wotan’s mother, but do you really need to know?
Brunnhilde had some problems with her sisters, especially the irksome Leadsom, but once she had that sorted she proceeded to fix daddy’s problems the only way she knew how. “Feuer means fire,” she said and proceeded to burn down the house — Valhalla, the Houses of Parliament, 10 Downing Street, Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, the Ritz-Carlton, Waitrose — in a huge conflagration that sent Godland back to the stone age.
And the people, who’d never trusted the gods anyway, although they made an exception for Adele, were content. They marched off the White Cliffs of Dover singing “Hojotoho!”
— Michael Roddy