WASHINGTON (Irish Satire News) – President Donald J. Trump announced today that he was leaving his wife of 15 years, First Lady Melania Trump, and would be marrying for a fourth time, to Rona Covfefe, formerly of Wuhan, China.
“Rona just makes my ratings soar,” Trump, 73, said in announcing plans for an Easter wedding during a press conference in the White House Rose Garden. Ms. Covfefe attended the press conference but stood two meters away, in keeping with social-distancing guidelines.
“I didn’t even know who she was in January, February, or maybe it was even March,” Trump said, beaming at his bride-to-be like a boy who’d found a $3 million cookie in the family cookie jar. “Didn’t think she was important, thought she was a loser.”
“But let me tell you, once I realised who she was, and how popular she would make me, well, the rest is just a great history that is all about me, and what great things I’ve done,” Trump said.
Trump said that although Ms. Covfefe was originally from Wuhan, she had now, thanks to his efforts and those of his entire administration of acting secretaries, lobbyists and former Fox News commentators, become deeply rooted in America.
“I think I can safely say that there is no part of this great country of ours that she has not touched,” Trump said, smiling and making that weird gesture he makes with his hands.
Asked for a comment, Ms. Covfefe would only say that she was gobsmacked by the lengths the president, as well as many members of his administration, had gone to to make her feel at home in America.
“Your doors have been literally wide open to me,” she said, flashing a smile while several reporters and camera operators scrambled away.
Trump broke the news at the same time to Melania Trump, who’d received no advance warning she was about to be served with divorce papers.
“That’s how Rudi said it’s done,” Trump said, indicating he’d received counsel from his personal lawyer, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who set the precedent by announcing he was leaving his wife at a press conference in May, 2000, without having informed her beforehand.
Asked why his marriage to the former Melania Knauss, originally of Slovenia, had broken down, Trump said, “Honestly, she’s not my type,”
He added that ICE officers had already detained the former First Lady and she would be sent back on the first plane to Slovenia, once air service links between America and the rest of the world were restored.
By Michael Roddy