Irish students’ J1 plans in the Trump era: ‘We said we wouldn’t go ahead. It just isn’t safe’
More than 5,500 J1 summer working visas were issued to Irish students last year — Headline in the Irish Times

Despite anything you may have heard, read, experienced, been told by a friend or seen in videos about a certain person in a prison in El Salvador, there is NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW to visit the United States of America.

As I have gone to great lengths to make clear, America is OPEN FOR BUSINESS — YOUR BUSINESS, YOUR FRIEND’S BUSINESS, VLAD’S BUSINESS, XI’S BUSINESS — just not those commie collectivists from the European Union. Phooey on them. Take a hike. Get lost. Losers!

When you come to America — and you’d better not be swimming across the Rio Grande to get here, that’s a big no no — you will be met at your airport or port of entry by the GREAT PATRIOTS who are our ICE border and immigration greeters. Say, “Howdy, how are ya’” to them as you turn over your mobile phone, laptop, Kindle and any other electronic device for inspection.

Your ICE greeter won’t be a moment as he or she checks your devices to see how many times you’ve liked posts by your favourite American on Truth Social! You’ll get a high five if you have “The Art of the Deal” on your Kindle but you might have some explaining to do if you’ve got “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”, “American Psycho” or “The Bell Jar” on there. And heaven forbid we find James Joyce’s “Ulysses”. It was filthy in 1922, it’s filthy now!

Donnieland Beckons!

Assuming you’ve passed the border controls, and not been detained incommunicado for the rest of your time on this planet, you are in for some real treats here in the United States of America!

Lots of you, especially visitors with children, will have come to visit our great Donnieland amusement parks in Orlando and Anaheim. These are the famous “Magic Kingdom” parks visitors have been coming to for decades, only now under new management following an executive order that was appealed all the way to the Supreme Court but, guess what, they lost (thanks Sam, thanks Clarence)!

If you were expecting to hear any of the songs Elton John wrote for “The Lion King” soundtrack while you tour the park, forget it, they’ve been scrubbed. But we’re sure you’ll love our hottest new attraction, the “JAN. 6 PATRIOTS” ride. Thrill as you and your family scale the walls and steel barricades around our reconstruction of the U.S. Capitol! Have the time of your life as you batter open the doors and swarm inside the Capitol building, hunting for an actor impersonating Vice President Mike Pence! WEAK! And if all the excitement has you suddenly searching for a restroom, don’t worry, it’s close at hand, just inside the door marked as Nancy Pelosi’s office. When you leave, don’t forget to pick up your free souvenir “pardon”!

A Chicken in Every Swimming Pool

Worked up an appetite? There’s no better place than America to fill a belly. Following an executive order last year, there is now a McDo’s within a five minutes’ drive in every village, town and city in America! And if you’re worried that fast-food is not the healthy option, you can rest assured because all of the food has been certified A1 healthy by the FDA under Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. RFK Jr had your wellbeing in mind when he decreed that none of the food in America can contain salt or sugar, meats must be boiled, not fried, and every meal must include at least 17 vegetables — but no potatoes (or broccoli). That grey look to everything is the height of healthiness — no food colourings! Our beef comes with free hormones, our chickens are chlorinated and swimming-pool ready and our milk is raw, with live microbes gratis in every glass. Enjoy!

Some of you will want to visit museums so allow us to recommend the Smithsonian’s American Almighty Museum of the Donald that has been recently built on top of the Mall in Washington, Donald of Christ (DC). Just follow the glow emanating from the 24-carat gold arches that form the entrance and be prepared for the time of your life viewing the world’s largest collection of Donald T Time magazine covers, golf trophies, hunting trophies and trophy wives. Or, if you happen to be in the Boston, MA, area, you might consider visiting the Trump University that recently took over a vacant campus in Cambridge. If you have a few days and $100,000 to spend you can even get a degree!

A Star Is Born…in Queens

All in all, there’s almost too much to see and do during your brief stay in the USA (please note, tourist visas are valid for one week. Anyone overstaying will be deported, you know where). If you are looking for outdoor recreational parks, the national ones are being drilled and mined to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. But there are two remaining, Central Park in New York City and Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. Just apply at a consulate to visit a Blue State and you should have a visa within six months. And if it’s culture you’re after, the Melania (formerly Kennedy) Center for the Performing Arts offers performances in rotation of the hit musical “A Star Is Born in Queens” and appearances by The Village People.

A final note to those visitors who are coming here on temporary work-experience visas. There is no minimum wage in this country so take what the boss pays you and shut up. And don’t even think of getting sick. You can’t afford it.

Donald J.

By Michael Roddy